Growing Up

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Hello everybody! Today’s post is different. I very much felt like I was writing it to myself and reminding myself of some things I needed to know. I had been having a sad sort of day and writing this post really lifted my spirits. I hope you will enjoy reading it and looking at some neat butterfly photos I took recently. We have had a lot of butterflies on our property and my sis decided to catch some for me to photograph.

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I am one of those people who hates growing up. That is a strong word, but honestly, my feelings about getting older have not been far from that. I should specify. I have always enjoyed having conversation with adults. I also sometimes find myself wanting more responsibility. Those things are not why I want time to go backwards. I do not like growing up because I feel I am leaving something serene and wonderful behind. I do not like growing up because there are things I told myself I would do (or not do) in the past that are becoming rules that are not so hard and fast anymore. I have believed growing up is a sort of “betrayal” of my past self. If I visited my past self I feel as if she would feel resentful and disappointed in me. But a lot of the things I find myself wanting are silly:

  • I told myself I would never be into makeup or clothes. I find myself feeling guilty that I wanted to spend my money on things like clothes, and though I still don’t wear much makeup (essentially because I didn’t want to in the past) I find myself much less prejudiced against it. Back then, I was so pleased with my silly resolve.
  • I want to always be able to play and act out stories with toys. I do not like that it is increasingly mentally harder for me to “play” when I want to so badly. My sister and I would play for hours as kids, and those are such sweet memories.
  • I want to go back to the good old days when I had unending questions about life and not enough answers. Sometimes I feel I now know too much about this lost world, and I want to return to blissful ignorance.

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I literally want to cry. I just desire that youthful innocence and wonder again. I sense I am breaking promises that my younger self made out of some sort of “noble” and determined spirit. Why does childhood pass so fast? I am nearing the end of my teen years and approaching adulthood (which will be the majority of my life). Childhood was so peaceful and beautiful, and the future seemed bright then. Why does it have to go?

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Then I look again. Those rules I set are not involving sin issues. Those “noble” rules do not even really matter. You know what? Maybe I am becoming less stubborn and prejudiced in things that don’t really matter. Maybe I am moving on for the next things God has planned for my life. Maybe I am understanding how fallen this world is and thus realizing my greater need for God. I am thankful for my childhood because it prepared me slowly for the days to come. There are even still a select few good rules younger me made based on God’s desires for me that I am still resolved to keep forever.

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But childhood was a comfort zone. It was easy and I was very proud. I have learned that worldly comfort does not last very long, and thus has no true value. I need to lean on God, the only completely satisfying comforter.

2 Corinthians 1:5 English Standard Version (ESV)

For as we share abundantly in Christ’s sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too.

I will always be myself. There is no “past” or “future” me. There is just me. Someone who I hope is changing for the better. Life gets harder, but I see God’s work clearer, and if I stay true to God I will stay true to the best version of myself.

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1 Corinthians 13:8-12 English Standard Version (ESV)

Love never ends. As for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when the perfect comes, the partial will pass away. When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I gave up childish ways. For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known.

Thank you, Jesus, for loving me enough to change me for the better.

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8 thoughts on “Growing Up

  1. Oh my goodness Jewel, this is perfect. I’ve been feeling the same way lately, I’m nearing the end of my teen years as well and I find myself in shock. I’m advancing into the highest level of dance classes in August with the 16, 17, 18, even 22 year olds, I run a small business, I even got a job! And I look at all these things and am like, “How did a kid like me reach this place?” Then I remember, I’m not a kid anymore, I’m moving 6 hours away from my family in 2 and a half years to start trying out for professional ballet companies. I long for the days I spent with my best friend in her room when we both played with dolls. We only had each other who still did play AG dolls and we’d talk about how everyone else thought we were weird for doing so, but that didn’t matter because we had each other, and what people thought of us didn’t just wasn’t important. Then this year it all changed. Her room is now filled with makeup while her dolls lie in boxes in storage. She’s started doing things that I can’t be apart of, and I have to break off one of the dearest friendships I have, and it breaks my heart. Her doll house in now in our craft room, and as I play and look at it and see all the wonderful times and all the wonderful things we did with our dolls, I cry XD she’s moved on from this, while I still sit her with Molly and feel as though I’m alone in this now. I don’t want to grow up, (oh great, now I have that Peter Pan song stuck in my head 😂) but I don’t think I necessary have to, it’s ok to still love dolls, it’s ok not to wear makeup, it’s ok to be you. As long as you remember to let God lead you 🙂 Lol that was a very long sad comment, guess what I’m trying to get at in this comment that probably doesn’t make sense 😂 is that you’re not the only one who feels this way, and I’m glad that I’m not the only one either 😊
    -Katie 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, Katie! ❤ Wow! You have a lot ahead of you, and I thoroughly encourage you in all God plans for you. 🙂 Yes, it can be sad… sometimes people choose to leave childhood a little too early. Part of what is so hard for me is that my sister and I are really close and I do not want her to feel like I am abandoning her. My siblings have helped me in keeping youthful. YES! All those are totally OK, and like I said: it doesn't matter what someone enjoys or not as long as it is not a sin issue. I am different than a lot of girls my age, and I'm good with that, but it's totally OK if they like "older" things that I don't. That's awesome! I was wondering who could relate. I think some people feel the opposite way: like childhood is keeping them back. What we all need to know is to be content wherever God has us. 🙂

      -Jewel

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  2. This post was so beautiful and relatable, Jewel! ❤ I often feel the same way… about almost everything in this post. XD Sometimes I look back on my childhood and think, "wasn't that so easy?" But then I realize it WASN'T easy, not then. Little kids still have trials – it's just that they look small from here. A school project or not having a toy or whatever it may be seems unimportant to adults who are wrestling with life-changing issues, even though it fills the kid's whole horizon. But when those adults get older, they have a new set of problems and think the old ones were easy. And then when we die, we see all our earthly problems for what they were, in true perspective, and God in His goodness and power over them.
    That sounds kind of depressing, but to me it's encouraging to think that God grows us gently – never completely removing trials, but giving us a childhood to learn how to cope with them before he grows us in more tangible ways. I hope I'll always keep the wonder and joy of a child, but I look forward to gaining wisdom and understanding and drawing nearer to Christ as I grow, through trials which I couldn't handle now, but which I know know He will help me through as they come.

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    1. Thank you so much, Allison! Ah Yes, I think that way too. So, so true! We will always have trials at different points in our life that God uses to shape us into better people.
      Yes! Trials are so important and God definitely has a plan for us. I hope I keep that same wonder and joy too, no matter how much this fallen world may try to smite it. Thank you, Allison!

      -Jewel

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  3. Dear jewel,
    This post was so insightful into your childhood and growing into adulthood.
    I’m so blessed to have been a major part of your growing up years, from birth to the present. I’m such a proud Grampy. You are my favorite oldest granddaughter. I really enjoy talking to you. The wisdom from your lips amazes me at times, it is far beyond your years. Sometimes I think, why didn’t I think of that? Always remember the insight you have comes directly from him. In the trials you’ll go through in life, for you will go through trials and tribulation, are filtered through the loving hands of our great God and Savior Jesus Christ. He is in control ,he is sovereign and he will never leave you or for sake you. He loves you more than any human on earth could ever love you. I find that hard to believe because I love you so much. Keep writing, keep asking questions, and always give him the glory. Until we talk again be blessed my granddaughter. 🤼‍♂️❤️

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  4. I can totally relate to this. (I even made a post like it here: https://buildabearsfurever.wordpress.com/2018/05/10/never-too-old/)
    I’ve often felt like childhood was the greatest time of my life and that once it’s over, I might never be happy again. Obviously that isn’t true, but I’ll admit, I was much happier five years ago than I am now. I don’t have younger siblings like you, so I don’t have anything here to keep me young so to speak. Sure I literally blog about Build a Bears, but that feels more like a hobby to me than playing. Last week, I got a package from Build a Bear, and I felt just like a little kid again. That’s the happiest I’ve been in a long time. I guess I’m kind of rambling, but point is, we don’t have to lose our childlike sense of wonder as we grow up. We have to do anything to protect our inner child. I feel like I am happiest when I still act like a little kid(not immature, but innocent I guess). After all, didn’t Jesus himself say to become like a little child?
    Also, I feel like maybe I’ve disappointed my younger self too. I thought I’d be driving, and have a boyfriend, and have a job by now, but honestly, I don’t want to do any of those things. Oh well. I guess all that matters is making my current self happy.

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    1. Thanks, Diamond! Yes! Having/playing with toys his nothing to be ashamed of. It is not sinful, so it does not matter if you do or don’t. 🙂 Childlike innocence is something we need to hang onto, despite the ugly world being thrust at us. Yes, Jesus did! Here it is:

      Matthew 18:1-3 English Standard Version (ESV)
      At that time the disciples came to Jesus, saying, “Who is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven?”And calling to him a child, he put him in the midst of them and said, “Truly, I say to you, unless you turn and become like children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven.”

      Yes, I can relate to those things. 🙂 Jesus will be the source of our joy if we cling to him, no matter how hard and unhappy life may be or feel.

      -Jewel

      Liked by 1 person

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