Hello everybody! Today’s post is different. I very much felt like I was writing it to myself and reminding myself of some things I needed to know. I had been having a sad sort of day and writing this post really lifted my spirits. I hope you will enjoy reading it and looking at some neat butterfly photos I took recently. We have had a lot of butterflies on our property and my sis decided to catch some for me to photograph.
I am one of those people who hates growing up. That is a strong word, but honestly, my feelings about getting older have not been far from that. I should specify. I have always enjoyed having conversation with adults. I also sometimes find myself wanting more responsibility. Those things are not why I want time to go backwards. I do not like growing up because I feel I am leaving something serene and wonderful behind. I do not like growing up because there are things I told myself I would do (or not do) in the past that are becoming rules that are not so hard and fast anymore. I have believed growing up is a sort of “betrayal” of my past self. If I visited my past self I feel as if she would feel resentful and disappointed in me. But a lot of the things I find myself wanting are silly:
- I told myself I would never be into makeup or clothes. I find myself feeling guilty that I wanted to spend my money on things like clothes, and though I still don’t wear much makeup (essentially because I didn’t want to in the past) I find myself much less prejudiced against it. Back then, I was so pleased with my silly resolve.
- I want to always be able to play and act out stories with toys. I do not like that it is increasingly mentally harder for me to “play” when I want to so badly. My sister and I would play for hours as kids, and those are such sweet memories.
- I want to go back to the good old days when I had unending questions about life and not enough answers. Sometimes I feel I now know too much about this lost world, and I want to return to blissful ignorance.
I literally want to cry. I just desire that youthful innocence and wonder again. I sense I am breaking promises that my younger self made out of some sort of “noble” and determined spirit. Why does childhood pass so fast? I am nearing the end of my teen years and approaching adulthood (which will be the majority of my life). Childhood was so peaceful and beautiful, and the future seemed bright then. Why does it have to go?
Then I look again. Those rules I set are not involving sin issues. Those “noble” rules do not even really matter. You know what? Maybe I am becoming less stubborn and prejudiced in things that don’t really matter. Maybe I am moving on for the next things God has planned for my life. Maybe I am understanding how fallen this world is and thus realizing my greater need for God. I am thankful for my childhood because it prepared me slowly for the days to come. There are even still a select few good rules younger me made based on God’s desires for me that I am still resolved to keep forever.
But childhood was a comfort zone. It was easy and I was very proud. I have learned that worldly comfort does not last very long, and thus has no true value. I need to lean on God, the only completely satisfying comforter.
2 Corinthians 1:5 English Standard Version (ESV)
For as we share abundantly in Christ’s sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too.
I will always be myself. There is no “past” or “future” me. There is just me. Someone who I hope is changing for the better. Life gets harder, but I see God’s work clearer, and if I stay true to God I will stay true to the best version of myself.
1 Corinthians 13:8-12 English Standard Version (ESV)
Love never ends. As for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when the perfect comes, the partial will pass away. When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I gave up childish ways. For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known.
Thank you, Jesus, for loving me enough to change me for the better.